“If you are not willing to have hard conversations, you shouldn’t be in a position of leadership. It’s that simple.”

– John Maxwell

by Jim Solomon and Bruce LaRue, Ph.D.

Embrace A Mutual Purpose

Leaders who avoid difficult conversations are failing the individual, their team, and possibly the entire organization.  To be a leader, one must have courage. This is expected by your subordinates, peers, and superiors – and frankly, for true leaders, it’s expected of themselves.

It takes leaders with courage and compassion to understand that it is their ethical obligation to conduct difficult conversations. The value in these conversations is that they can lead to positive change.

If you are investing your time into difficult conversations, it’s because you as the leader are committed to the success of your team.  The conversation could be with an individual you see who possesses potential to contribute to your organization but requires some guidance or direction. Or, if a person’s values, character, or skills don’t fit your organization, addressing a behavior is secondary.  You as the leader must question why each person is “in their seat on the bus”, or even why on the bus at all.

Willing to Have Difficult Conversations

As a leader, mentor, parent, coach, or friend, its actually “kind” to have a difficult conversation. Parker Houston from Lead You First points out, we all avoid conflict. “Parents avoid it, leaders avoid it, people avoid it. And we all suffer for it.” He goes on to share… “I am grateful that I had a boss and mentor early in my career that pushed me out of my comfort zone. Any time I had a problem with a team member, he would say, “Sounds like you need to have a difficult conversation. I’d love to hear about how it goes. Come by later today and tell me about it.”

Don’t Make It Personal

Address a negative behavior and its impact without being judgmental.  Its not about the person, focus on the behavior.  The objective is to identify what is the challenging behavior, why is it occurring and why it is having a negative impact. Then how can it be addressed in a manner that proves productive for all.  No cookie-cutter approach, not one size fits all.

You Report, They Decide

The leader’s job is to deliver a clear message, hold people accountable, and provide appropriate support.  It is up to the individual to choose their outcome – this will be seen in how they decide to respond.

Kim Scott, Radical Candor LLC explains “Eighty-five percent of the time, that’s the mistake that we make at work and also, frankly, at home. [We’re] so concerned about the other person’s feelings that we’re unwilling to tell them something that they could fix easily if we just told them that it was a problem.”

Preparing for The Difficult Conversation

      Be prepared – This must be a well-thought-out meeting.  Where will it take place? Best time of the day? Presented in a calm approach.

      Be clear – Don’t “sandwich” the topic.  “Keep the main thing, the main thing.”  The purpose of the conversation is just that. This is not an attack, but professional discussion with the intent to benefit the individual, your team, and your organization.

      Be patient – This should not be a rushed meeting.  Both the leader and the individual must schedule this time to focus on the topic. As the leader, be prepared for pushback, maybe some defensiveness. Give the individual room to express themselves and remain focused on them and your organization.

      Be ready to listen – Lead with a desire to understand – “Tell me more…”.  Part of the purpose of the conversation is to seek understanding. Ask vs tell.  Present yourself as a leader who is interested – not the place to be interrupted or checking emails or txts.

      Dignity and respect – Always with mutual respect, even if the outcome of the discussion is less than optimum for the individual. Departing with a sincere handshake is expected.

      Share concerns without judgment – Don’t make it personal.  This is as much for the individual as it is for your organization. Ultimately, if the outcome of the meeting is positive for all concerned, everyone wins.

      Align to organizational core values – Use this time to crosswalk negative behaviors to your organizations core values.  Often when this can be shown, it translates as a graphic display that can be more easily understood.

      Focus on outcomes – The result should be outcomes and ways to get from where you are to where you need to be.  Share the impact the behavior may have to customers, the organization, and the team – and the positive impact that a change can have. And how this will benefit the individual.

Use the “I” Message

A great tip from the Office of Human Resources, The Ohio State University, when conducting a difficult conversation, “Use the “I” Message.  “Statements that start with “you” sound accusatory and blaming. They typically evoke a defensive response in the person who hears it. Sentences that start with “I” are less inflammatory, and they keep responsibility for what is expressed with the person doing the speaking. Example: “You just keep rambling on and on repeating the same things.” Versus: “I am not understanding you. Help me to hear what I am missing.”

Be Proactive – Diminish the Need for Difficult Conversations

As a leader, regularly ask yourself “who would you rehire” on your team. For those you would rehire, then what are you doing to retain them? For those you would not, is the reason due to their willingness or their ability to perform their duties in support of your mission? If it is a question of ability, you can often remedy this through appropriate training and development or finding a more suitable role for them. If, however, you would not rehire the person due to their willingness or attitude, then you have a greater challenge. The question here is what are you doing about this? Have you had a conversation yet? Or when will this occur?

A leader’s time and energy should be focused on those who demonstrate themselves both willing and able to become an integral part of the team and mission. Too often, we spend a disproportionate amount of time on a handful of people who simply may not be a good fit. When this occurs, we must act in the best interests of our organization and mission by assisting these individuals either into a more suitable seat or off the bus altogether.

Don’t Put Off for Tomorrow What Should be Done Today

If a difficult conversation is what is required, don’t put it off.  Unlike fine wine, problems don’t get better with age. Embrace your ethical obligation as a leader with a focus on the individual, your team, and the organization. The impact that this one issue may have to your organization could be tactical with a more strategic effect.

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